Weekly Email Grab Bag: Hans Doesn’t Even Lift, Chews Shit Tobacco, Loves Donald Trump

Another edition of my email dump coming right up:

 

Hans

What kind of chew do you dip?

 

Grizzly Dark Wintergreen Long Cut because my tolerance is unnecessarily high.  Grizzly wintergreen is widely regarded as the hardest kicking buzz of all dips, as well as the most horrendously bad for your mouth.  I’ve dipped a log of it every week for the last two years and my dentist last month said my teeth and mouth are in perfect shape.  Go figure.

 

Hans

What are your thoughts on Donald Trump

 

I like Trump.  But boring politics stuff aside, I think I get more enjoyment out of the whole thing pissing off liberals than anything else.  I feel like I only see good looking people pushing for Trump, and mega-hag butches and fat little butterball goobers pushing for Bernie.  That alone is good enough for me.

 

MAGA

 

Hans

You mentioned you had a girlfriend last year and this year.  I thought you said not to get a girlfriend in college?  Why are you blatantly contradicting yourself?  Also why did they end?

 

First of all, I said you shouldn’t get wifed up before Junior year.  Use your early college years to be an idiot and get it all out of your system.  Later on though, it’s an alright decision IF she’s up for the job.  I One ended because we were at different points in life, and the other was chicken shit crazy.  C’est la vie.

 

 

Hans

how many girls have you fucked

 

37,569

 

Fuckstick

Yeah the amount of slut shaming in your previous article “The 10 girlfriend commandments” is absolutely sickening.  I can’t believe there are guys like you out there that actually think like this.  Fuck offfff.  (edited, this went on for like 4 paragraphs). 

[sidebar: I got a barrage of emails like this, so I’m addressing them all]

 

I really don’t know what you’re talking about.  I love women.  I don’t hate anyone (who hasn’t done me wrong personally).  I’m friends with plenty of girls you could maybe consider sluts, but that’s really all it is.  I fuck some, some are wing girls, but at the end of the day all it is is a casual relationship.

 

What’s the point of a relationship?  Enjoying each others company?  Mass amounts of sex?  Sure, perhaps, but everyone knows deep down that the endgame of an actual real relationship is, you guessed it, marriage.  And kids, mostly.  If you don’t see that panning out then the relationship really has little worth outside recreational bedroom romps, and if you continue to pursue it under the delusion it’s gonna go somewhere, then you’re wasting not only your time but hers as well.

 

I’ve said before that I have every intention of getting married.  No, really, I WANT a girl that I can buy nice things for, and take on nice trips, and put a baby in, and take home to mom etc.  I really, truly want that in my future.  But it’s not gonna be the girl who’s been piped by every fraternity on campus, or happily flashed her tits on the beach at PCB, or cheated on every boyfriend she had.  Those girls are for fun, not for the altar.  Similar to my partner Soze; of the thousands of women I’ve met on my college campus, I’ve met maybe 2-3 that are true marriage material.

 

A good friend of mine recently got in a relationship with a girl I consider world class wife material.  Only been with one other guy (previous long term boyfriend) at 20 years old, loves and supports him in his life goals, cooks & cleans, has the absolute sweetest personality, and has hips that could birth a watermelon.  Mad jealous, but I’ll be damned if I’m not happy for the both of them.

 

Point is; I’ve worked too damn hard to throw a ring on it if she’s not worth it, and I’m sure many of my readers feel the same.  There’s plenty of losers out there who will gladly take those girls, and I honestly wish them happiness.

 

Hans

How much do you bench

 

More than you

 

Hans

What are your plans after graduation?  I ask because I’m graduating in a couple months and I am absolutely scared shitless.  I don’t have a girlfriend or any serious obligations holding me back, so I know I’m free to do whatever I want, but I still lose sleep over what I’m going to do once I walk across the stage.  Thanks

 

Let me give you a solemn piece of advice here dude; graduating college with minimal amounts of social obligation is one of the best things that can happen to you.  Yes, having friends is important.  Yes, making concessions with your family is important.  But holy shit guy you’re about to embark into the real world with a blank fucking slate (and given your degree is worth the paper it’s printed on, some great opportunity).

 

Be EXCITED to graduate.  Enjoy your last few months of school by all means, but be excited to head out into the world.  Be excited about LIFE in general.  If college is the focal point/peak of your life, you’ve got some serious fucking re-evaluation of your priorities to do.

 

Hans Dix

I’m a senior and so is my girlfriend.  She’s a great girl, meets almost all the criteria you laid out in that article and I really like her.  Thing is, with graduation looming, she’s starting to become like really about out relationship.  Idek how to describe it but like she’s becoming really involved in my work plans, living situation after college etc.  Turns out, according to her friends that she is expecting me to propose sometime soon.  We’ve been together since sophomore year and it’s been nothing but good shit, but fuck man  I can’t escape the feeling that she just doesn’t want to work and wants to live off me (I’m an engineer and copped a 65k starting salary that I’m very proud of).  I really do love her but I can’t help feeling like this could be detrimental to my development as a man.  Sorry for talking your ear off I just was curious of your input on the matter.  Thanks.

 

First off, I’m glad you found yourself a quality woman dude.  You’re right, they’re not easy to come by, and if she really does strike a lot of the criteria on that list then it seems fate has smiled upon you.  Also, congrats on the engineering degree and job.  Sounds like you’re doing pretty alright for yourself and I’m happy for you.

 

That said, it’s really your call in this situation man.  I’m not gonna sit here and scream about how you should dump her ass, hoard your cash and go be an international playboy.  You’re probably what, 22?  Sure, it’s a bit young but be tossing around the concept of marriage, but when it comes to me and my colleagues marriage age is one of the few things I generally disagree with them about.  But you do need to do it on YOUR terms.  If you’re down for the cause but want to wait another year, tell her this outright.  Something along the lines of letting her know you’re down for the cause, but you wanna take some time to get situated in your career first, which is a perfectly legitimate reason.

 

Other than that, it seems you got it made pretty well dude.  I wish you luck in all your future endeavors and best wishes for your relationship.

 

Hans Dix

What’s your major?  I understand if you don’t wanna say but you strike me as a business type.  Am I right?  Why did you move to Europe for a year?

 

This is true.  I’ve technically got three majors; two bachelors and one masters.  I double majored in two business faculties here in America, and did a masters in international business in Germany.  I wrote a thesis on cross cultural economic impact of education structures between the United States and Germany during the 20th century.  I lost 15 pounds, smoked a carton of cigarettes, survived 2 mental breakdowns and spent 3 months kicking a stint of clinical depression to make that piece of shit paper happen.  I’m not even being facetious here; do not attempt an academic regimen like this unless you’ve got a legit pair of iron clad balls.

 

Thankfully the career payoff has been astronomical.  My future wife is a lucky lady.

 

Hans

What is your normal post workout meal like?

 

Chicken and rice for daysssss

 

Hans

What are your hobbies, like what do you do outside of school, running the blog and drunk sex

 

-Lifting weights

-Classic literature

-FIFA (Shoot me your gamertag and we’ll play, 100% serious)

-Learning new languages (I speak English and German by default, learned Spanish in my teens, am currently mastering French, and am becoming steadily more adept at Italian.  My goal is to speak 6 by the time I’m 30)

-Landscaping (I’m working on getting my contractors license and plan to form my own premium domestic landscaping service)

-Hiking (Nothing puts me in a calm state of mind like a long hike through the woods)

-Paintball (I don’t go as much anymore because I can’t stand try hards with murdered out guns)

-Shooting guns (the older the better)

-Non-blog writing (currently working on a novel)

-Building and fixing stuff (wood and metal working especially)

-Volunteering (yes, ol’ Hans does [non court ordered] volunteer work, mostly at animal shelters and Knights of Colombus)

-Driving fast cars

-WWII history

-Visiting far away friends

 

I like lots of things.  Life has quite a bit to offer.

  One thought on “Weekly Email Grab Bag: Hans Doesn’t Even Lift, Chews Shit Tobacco, Loves Donald Trump

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