10. Escape Without a Dad Bod – I’ve witnessed many comrades lose their lives in those treacherous cafeteria halls. They swipe a meal card and indulge in gluttonous servings of pizza and pasta, with a healthy serving of soft-serve ice cream every night. But it’s not just these day-to-day abysmal eating habits that do it – it’s the boozing and late night gyros that turn a young stud into a fleshy mass of cheeseburgers. It’s absolutely imperative that you develop a solid workout routine, because afterwards is when the real damage hits. The guys who have fitness entrenched in their psyches stay fit long after graduation, while the dudes who prematurely grow into their dad bods in undergrad go full Homer Simpson by age twenty-six.
9. The Triple Crown – Thursday, Friday, and Saturday: Three nights, three girls. If you accomplish this, you’ll metamorphose into a zen-like state of accomplishment and personal tranquility. Again, this isn’t possible at a small school, one more reason to attend a large state college.
8. Take Down Every Sorority – Taking down a chick from every notable sorority is very noble goal, in my humble opinion. Just more collegiate fuckery and bragging rights.
7. Get a 4.0 GPA At Least One Semester – Again, you’re in college for many reasons. One of those particular reasons happens to be enriching your mind with a myriad of wonderfully useful information to ensure apt preparation to excel in your field post-gradutaiton. Ehh, fuck that – do it once just to make your damn parents proud.
6. Become a Good at Something – People endlessly bitch about how hard college is and how there’s no free time, but the truth is, you genuinely do have a lot of free time. You can spend this time jerking off and playing FIFA until you get double-wristed carpel tunnel, OR, you can spend this time doing something productive. Start a small business. Master the guitar. Become a world-class chess player. Compete in powerlifting competitions. I don’t know. Figure it out.
5. Don’t Catch Feelings for a Hoe – First off, catching feelings for any female in your undergrad years is dangerous. But if you are going to go that route and choose to play roulette with your psyche, I beg you that you don’t fall for some chick who wants to “chill” after two years of a high-protein diet based primarily on the jizz of any dude with broad shoulders and tight game. Hoes are for fun, not for dating. If you do, not only are you setting yourself up for disastrous heartbreak, but you are downright disrespecting yourself. Nothing will wreck a guy’s head more than an unfaithful girlfriend. Read the recently published essential piece, 10 Commandments of College Girlfriends.
4. Join the 1000 Pound Club – The combination of your max squat, deadlift, and bench press should reach and exceed 1000 pounds. For example, a max bench of 250, a deadlift of 405, and a squat of 345 adds up to 1000. With consistent training and carnivorous meat consumption, this is very doable. Obviously, if you’re already bigger or stronger, set your sights higher. This is just a baseline of “strong”.
3. Get a Bar On Lockdown – Just a week ago, I was at my university’s shoulder-to-shoulder bar on a typical drunken night out. I walked towards the bar, with dozens of eager coeds waving cash in the bartenders’ faces like cheap whores. There was a sexy girl in front of my trying to flag one of them down, however, the bartender sees me behind her (I hadn’t been waiting longer than a minute) and says, “What’s up Soze, what can I get you?” The chick looked at me and scoffed with both anger and confusion. By the time you graduate, you should have this sort of set-up on lock. They’ll serve you first, throw you free drinks, and make sure you’re always taken care of. It helps that I used to be a bartender, but one of the best ways to do this is to go into the bar at non-peak hours, socialize with the bartender, and tip them well. They’ll remember you.
2. Have Sex in the Library – Fucking classic college move and something you can brag about to your boys. Sex on the baseball diamond is an adequate substitute.
1. DON’T FUCK UP – First and foremost, for the love of all things beautiful in this world, just don’t fuck up. Long term, don’t fail classes and don’t sink yourself in an abyss of debt with a useless degree. In the short term, fucking up can happen in the blink of an eye – getting behind the wheel while aptly buzzed, getting pulled over, and getting a big fat DUI on your record is just blatantly idiotic. Don’t do that. Don’t get arrested. Don’t develop any long-standing addictions. And as good as that pussy feels and as drunk as you are, take pride in your pull-out game, and don’t get a chick preggo.
Bonus: Bang a Teacher or a Graduate Teaching Assistant. I’ve never done this, but that would be tight.