Weekly Email Grab Bag: Random Assorted Questions

This week I’m just gonna dig deep into the bowels of my inbox and answer the stupidest, funniest, and most outrageous questions I’ve received over the last months.  Why?  Because I’m in a class right now that a severely concussed 5th grader could pass with ease, so I’m bored.

 

Hans

Why did you decide to study abroad?  Also, how awesome is it being an American in Europe?  Does it make for easy pulls?

 

Well my anonymous friend, let me be the first to tell you that studying abroad is the shit…minus the whole studying thing.  I was unlucky enough to be stuck with writing a thesis/dissertation/follow up to “War and Peace” that ate up a solid 1/3 of my waking moments while over there, as well as almost making me glad that Guns are illegal in Germany because I woke up several times craving the sweet sweet taste of a hollow point bullet.  Pro-tip; if you’re gonna study abroad, keep your work load bearable.  Nothing is worse than being completely overwhelmed and simultaneously being away from close friends and family in a foreign country.

 

As for girls, yes and no.  Yes, you can fuck tons of international strange if your game is tight, but it also hinges greatly on the girl’s nationality.  Lots of Western European girls can be frigid, yet beautiful and bomb in bed.  It’s all up to you.  If you’re looking for express lane pussy, head to your local discotheque.  Quality may not be the best, but you’ll pull if you talk to enough girls.  And yes, being an American is definitely a conversation starter.  Take it as you will.

 

Hans

What’s the weirdest, most uncontrolled bush you’ve ever seen?

 

Jeb

Next question.

 

Hans

What are some of your relationship deal makers and breakers?

 

Makers:

  • cooks
  • cleans
  • takes care of my kids
  • sucks it clean

Breakers:

  • disrespect
  • slutty friends
  • doesnt arch back

 

Hans,

It’s like halfway through the school year and all the girls around me are getting fat.  I’m a freshman and I thought that whole 15 pounds thing was a myth, but holy shit these girls are blowing up like balloons.  How do you suggest handing this; my dick has a very strictly enforced 130lb weight limit.  

 

Every generation of freshman thinks they’re so smart.  They think they’re somehow exempt from that whole freshman 15 phenomenon because of this or that reason.  “I’m playing a sport!” “I’ll just workout everyday!” “I’ll just develop crippling bulimia!”.  I’ve heard it all.  Yet I’ve seen even the most gorgeous of freshman prospects melt into trainwrecks before my eyes.

 

Here’s the thing.  People think a lot of the weight gain shit comes from the infinite supply of food at the cafeteria paired with a lack of self-limitation and independent functionality.  Truth is, that’s maybe 50% of it, maybe even less.  What really gets these people, especially the girls, is the sheer amount of drinking that tends to take place during freshman and sophomore year.  I can’t tell you how many people I’ve met who genuinely thought that beer, and alcohol in general, didn’t have any calories.  I mean, I’m not gonna correct them because I think stupid people that I don’t like need to make their own mistakes. But I just think it’s hilarious how alcohol is low key the silent killer of bodies campus wide every year.

 

If you’re trying to maintain your physique during the school year, here’s a few tips to follow:

  • Never skip the gym.  I don’t care if you have an axe wound of a hangover or are running on 3 hours sleep.  Go.  You’ll feel better after, trust me.
  • Stick as closely to clear liquors as you can.  Definitely don’t turn down beer or other drinks that are offered to you, but when deciding what to drink yourself, opt for vodka or tequila.  Vodka, diet tonic and a few lime wedges is pretty money.
  • Find where the healthy food is in the caf and lock it down.  Know what you’re gonna eat before even going inside, otherwise the wafting stench of pizza might seduce you.  Keep one eye on your calories and just don’t eat like a fuck.  I touch on this in my first book.
  • Have lots of sex.  Use multiple girls if a single one can’t keep up.

 

Hang in there buddy.  The skinny girls will be back

Obi-Wan-Kenobi

And in greater numbers.

 

May the force be with you.

 

 

Hans,

What’s your room setup at school look like?  What’s the best setup for an apartment bedroom.

 

If it wouldn’t immediately give away not only what school I go to, but also where I like, then I would definitely publish a pic.  However, that’s just not possible at this time.

 

I’ll admit I spare no expense when it comes to things like my room.  I hate bare walls, fluorescent lights, and unwelcoming layouts.  Thus, I’ve spent a solid couple thousand on shit I’ve got in my room right now, although it’s been built up over a year or two.

 

Power moved include

  • 50 inch flat screen
  • Xbox (aka $500 Netflix machine)
  • Recliner
  • Drink Fridge
  • Queen size bed w/ mattress pad
  • Cork lamp with adjustable mood lighting
  • 5.1 surround speakers with 12 inch down firing sub
  • Rare flags and posters (pre-unification West German flag, authentic Hofbrauhaus Oktoberfest flag, framed 1968 Steve McQueen movie poster, antique German soccer scarves, signed frame from UFC middleweight champ Luke Rockhold, etc.)  I left the Michael Jordan “wings” and Scarface posters in freshman year where they belong.  (side note: if you have a poster, frame it).

 

I take a lot of pride in my room.  I mean, I spend like half my time in there, so obviously I want to keep it nice.  I cover exactly how to make your apartment and your room the best they can be in The Campus Hustler pt. II.

 

 

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