Weekly Email Grab Bag: Long Distance Relationships, Younger Girls, and Maintaining Independence

In this new segment, I’ll be answering reader’s questions that I receive through email pretty often, and don’t really feel like copy and pasting to each person.  Think of this as an ongoing FAQ.


Dear Hans,

I was curious what you think about poaching girls with long distance boyfriends.  It’s kind of a moral quandary for me.  I’m talking to this girl right now that has a boyfriend back home like 200 miles away. On one hand I really wanna bang and I know for a fact wants it.  On the other hand, I hate cheaters and think they should be stoned to death like they are in Saudi Arabia, so basically me banging this girl would bring an interesting mix of pride and disgust.  

What are your thoughts on this matter?



Mark (LSU)


Well Mark, let me tell you that I wholeheartedly identify with your quandary there.  I hate cheaters as much as the next morally conscious person.  But on the other hand, I also enjoy sex.  You can see where this lands us in quite the dilemma.


The truth of the matter is this.  If this girl was even somewhat engaged in her relationship and satisfied with her boyfriend, she would barely be giving you the time of day.  The fact that she is receptive to you talking to her is a sign that she’s bored and/or wants out.  If she’s initiating contact with you regularly, then that sign becomes a big, flashing billboard that says “I’m gonna be done with this relationship soon, please have your dick ready.”


It’s interesting really.  You would think in this day and age of Skype and constantly available texting, long distance relationships would work out a lot easier than they did back in the old days.  Sadly, that seems to not be the case.  Chalk it up to a lot of girls nowadays being sweetly conditioned cum buckets with the capacity to foresee consequences for their actions almost completely bred out.  Or maybe they’re just stupid.  I really don’t know nor do I really care.  Point is, long distance nowadays is becoming more and more of a disasterpiece. This isn’t the good old days where girls did outrageous things like “tell the truth” and “respect themselves.”


This is for all you readers who currently have a long distance girl or are considering hopping on that train. Here’s the ice cold, hard truth about long distance; if she’s long distance, she’s not your girlfriend.  Once a relationship goes long distance, as a guy you have to take the initiative to immediately downgrade her to side piece status.  If you don’t you’re just gonna be torturing yourself week in week out wondering just what the fuck she’s doing all that distance away that you have no control over or can’t find out about.  And no, her (heavily edited and supervised) snap chat story does not serve as an accurate window into her night.


So Mark, I say go for it.  Fuck her like a champ.  You don’t have any allegiance to this boyfriend of hers and if she’s talking to you then chances are very high she’s on her way out of the relationship anyway, so it’s not your drama.


Geaux Tigers


Dear Hans McDixington

So a platonic female friend (I know I know, stupid) hooked me up with a date to a sorority event this February.  Thing is, I’m a 21 yo Junior and she’s a 18 yo Freshman.  I don’t really have an issue with hooking up with younger chicks, but going to an event with one?  I feel like it would be kind of weird and I might catch a bit of a stigma from the girls in my year.  Do you have any experience with this? 





First of all, there’s nothing wrong with having platonic female friends.  I’m great friends with several girls that I’ve never once banged, and they have a nice habit of setting me up with their friends.  They scratch my back and I scratch theirs.


There’s no two ways around it.  When you get involved with a girl at least 2 class years younger than you, be ready to catch flak from girls in your year.  You’ll get the “Why don’t you man up and date someone your own age” line so much you’ll eventually just start tuning it out.  The truth of the matter is, girls in your year are just having mad fits of projection because, spoiler alert, they did THE EXACT SAME THING when they were freshman/sophomores.  Girls in my year were hooking up with juniors and seniors on the regular when we were freshman.   While some of them ended up blossoming into good relationships, others fell by the wayside.


Here’s the thing man; it’s college.  It’s a level playing field and anyone is fair game.  A Senior can date a Freshman, it’s really not weird at all.  Fuck this new generational thinking that says you need to only date people exactly your age or its weird.  Shit, back in the 50s and 60s it was common practice.  My Grandparents are 9 years apart and married when my Grandma was 20.  So of course the Junior and Senior girls are gonna be salty about it, because they’re not young anymore.


I actually dated a girl 3 years younger than me for the better part of last year.  It wasn’t because I was super about the whole age thing like some dudes are, we just got along really well.  Simple as that.  I’d do the same for a girl who’s 18 or one that’s 22 if they’ve got good character.  Fuck what the hags are saying.


So Quinn, I wouldn’t worry too much about it.  Eventually they’ll get over it and find another guy doing the same thing to harass.


Hey Hans,

You write a lot about the concept of “maintaining independence” in college, yet you were in a fraternity and still associate yourself strongly with fraternity culture.  I don’t know how you could see the two of those being compatible in any way, as it seems the concepts of independence and being in a frat are pretty much mutually exclusive.  Could you elaborate?



Barry McCockiner


For an email that actually asks a perfectly valid question, I’m surprised you decided to use a fake name.  Either way I don’t really care because I laughed pretty hard.


The whole “independence” thing doesn’t really have anything to do with Greek life.  I think joining something greater than yourself and living in a sick house with your friends on campus is one of the best things you can do in college.  But keep in mind this is something you do for fun and for recreation; it shouldn’t define you as a whole.


What I mean when I say that is that it’s critical to develop yourself as your own person.  And the reason I’m pushing it so hard these days is because I’m talking to a lot of younger guys on campus, especially in fraternities, and I find myself already bored to tears about 45 seconds into the conversation.  They’re like carbon copies of each other.  That doesn’t mean I’m not tremendously polite and courteous to everyone I meet, but I’ve severed a lot of ties this year simply because I didn’t see these guys bringing anything of value into my life (besides maybe a weed connect, which I haven’t smoked since 2013).  Living in the college bubble is one thing, but not being self-aware about it is another.  It’s sad really, because every year I see these guys graduate, only to fall waaaaaaay off the deep end because they simply can’t function in real life.


I really don’t care what people decide to do with their lives because I firmly believe it’s a dog eat dog world.  However, I personally reserve the right to pick and choose who I associate with on both a social and professional level.  My close friends growing up, as well as in college, were all headstrong as fuck and knew what their goals were as well as how to party like complete savages.  That’s probably part of the reason I grew up with so many military friends.


So “Barry”, what I’m saying is just keep your wits about yourself.  Have a killer ass time in your fraternity (if you’re in one) and make memories you’ll never forget.  Just keep in mind that college is finite, and that it never hurts to devote time here and there towards working to achieve what it is YOU want out of life, as well as working to define YOURSELF as a person.


But in the meantime, do a keg stand.

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