Storytime Tuesday: Where Am I? The Strangest Hookup of My Life

You ever wake up in the morning thinking, where in the fuck am I?  What city am I in?  And where are my friends?

Certain nights completely encapsulate the lifestyle and adventure that we embrace.  In this week’s Storytime Tuesday, I will tell you about one such night that made me laugh, pissed me off, and ended with me waking up in a city thirty-five miles away from where I started.


It was a fall Friday night and the evening of my buddy’s 22nd birthday.  For the occasion, we decided to take a road trip to a city, where we planned to stay at a girl’s loft downtown and get embarrassingly fucked up.


Upon arrival, we immediately whipped out a bottle of vodka and toasted to the kid’s birthday before heading to a bar downtown for dinner.  As soon as we posted up at the bar, I naturally ordered a brew, and the bartender asked me for my card.  I reached for my wallet and unfolded it as my heart subsequently sank like the Titanic when I realized I had left my card at home (fuckin idiot, I know).  When I’m out in a new city, I have a predisposition to thinking I have stacks of money to toss around, so this was not about to be a cheap night either.


“Heyyyy bro, I uhhh forgot my wallet at home… Wanna spot me for the night?”

“I got you dude”.


Later, we ordered dinner and went through four rounds of drinks between like six people.  Shit adds up.  Next thing ya know, the girl we were staying with whips out her credit card and decides to cover the entire tab.  Can you say…. Daddy Money?  I was in the clear.


We then headed back to the loft to pregame and proceeded to get pretty trashed before going out.  The night went pretty typically for a while… Bar hopping, shots, friend falling over while dancing, beers, getting kicked out of a bar for drunkenly lighting a cigarette inside (sorry)… The usual nightlife fare.


Eventually we ended up at a bar/club with a roped off VIP area with tables and bottle service.  I can’t tell you exactly how or why, but I ended up in the VIP area.  I had no idea who bought the bottles.


I just acted like I belonged and owned it;  standing high on elevated table, acting a fool, splashing my drink around, peering down at all those lowly plebeians on the non-VIP side of the bar.  Haha, fucking poor people, man.  Can’t stand em.  We were wilin’ the fuck out.




Anyways, while all high and mighty in my exclusive VIP area, I peered down at this hot brunette chick checking me out.  We made eye contact, then she looked away.  A minute later, she looked up again and I stared at her back, this time slightly grinning and motioning her to come join me in royalty.  She smiled and shook her head ‘no’ as a rejection of my polite gesture.  Aye, this ain’t over girl.  Minutes later, the same exact thing happened again.  I knew she wanted me (the player’s sixth sense), so I went down to play with the common folk and show this hunny what’s up.


“Soze” came out of my drunken mouth as I extended my hand.  She replied with, “Jordan” and instantly my game was sent into overdrive.  As you know, my first name is actually Jordan, so this is a bucket list bang for me.  Chick wasn’t escaping.  I was fairly inebriated so I don’t know how the conversation went, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t break eye contact for five minutes (and probably didn’t even blink, for that matter).  I asked her how old she was and she said “23”, as she asked me how old I am… 22 “errrr 24”.  What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.  I brought her in and kissed her, and from there, it was a sure fire thing.


Soon, 2:30 hit and the bar’s lights turned on.  We stepped outside and I told her, “I mean, we can go back to my friend’s place but I only have a couch to sleep on” (probably just the floor, actually).  She said, “no worries, come on we’ll just go back to my place, it isn’t far”.  I replied with, “Alright, but I don’t have a car”.  She then assured me that she could drive me home in the morning.


So, sexy girl tells me to come back to her place which isn’t far and she can take me home in the morning.  Why not?  I told my friends that I’d see ’em in the morning and we peaced.  The chick’s roommate also had a guy of her own who happened to be the guy driving us home.  The four of us piled into the car to head back to their place, which wasn’t far.


When we departed, she started asking me standard questions such as where I live, am I a rapist, what’s my major, etc.  I returned the questions and she told me she’s a fitness instructor (tight ass lil’ body) and writes for some stupid site (yawn).  Naturally, I showed her the work of yours truly, and pulled up The College Player on my phone.  The most recent article we published was the essential piece, 7 Ways to Fuck Like a Champ.  Risky move, but when she started reading the details of our brand of rough sex, her eyes lit up like like mine when I saw my first pair of tits.  She then glared over at me with a huge smile and a look of erotic desire and said, “this is awesome”.


Great, so now I’ve got lil’ miss Jordan all geared up for a night of 50 Shades of Grey type sex.  It’s lit.


However, we had been in the car for over five minutes, we were on the highway, and the skyscrapers of the city were no longer in sight.  Uhhh, where the fuck are we?   “Isn’t far” echoed through my head.  Okay, I kept my mouth shut momentarily.  Surely, we were almost there.  Another ten minutes pass and we’re still on the highway heading further and further from the city. “it isn’t far”… “So… Are we almost there?”  “Yeah, we’ll be there soon”.  What in the fuck does soon mean?  Come on.  At this point, we were a solid twenty minutes from the city, I was with three strangers in a car (the dude was a tool), and we were driving off further and further from my friends.  I didn’t know any of these people at all.  I was drunk as shit and getting pretty sketched out.



In the meantime, this dude in the front starts talking in a language I’ve never heard before.  I believe it was Lebanese or something.  And the other girl was starting to get pretty snarky and pissed off.  I was thinking I just wanted to go home.  Random sex wasn’t worth the hassle, I don’t care how hot she was.


After a 40+ minute car ride to her house, which “isn’t far”, we finally got off the highway and pulled into a driveway.  Bout fucking time.  “Isn’t far”?  What a fucking joke.  I was pretty pissed off.  And to add to the stupidity of the whole situation, as soon as we got in the house, everyone starts arguing.  I’m just over there sitting in a chair like such:



So everyone’s arguing and I suggest to the dude that we step outside for a moment to smoke so everyone can collect themselves.  We strike up a heater and start talking.  Let’s just say that within two sentences, I didn’t like this guy.  He just kept ranting about how much money he has and how he’s some huge NFL agent, “I ONLY REPRESENT FIRST ROUND DRAFT PICKS BRO”.  Aight Rosenhaus, explains why I’m in college and dressed better than you.


When we stepped back inside, the girls seemed to be having a dilemma and were not happy about the situation.  They walked into another room so they could talk in private.  At this point, my heart was in my stomach.  I figured… I was the stranger that came back with them, and they didn’t feel comfortable with me being there.  They were going to kick me out, drunk as hell, with no ride, and also with no idea what city I was even in.  This was not a good situation at all.


Eventually they came back out after their discussion and decided what they wanted to do.  To my relief and delight, they kicked out Mr. Big Shot Agent Wannabe dude, then my girl grabbed my arm and dragged me into her room.   It’s a christmas miracle!



When we got in, she turned on her Netflix and told me to put something on as she went to the bathroom, to do whatever girls do before they have sex.  I flipped through and put on the Entourage movie.  Even at 4 am on a drunken Saturday night this chick insist on the Netflix & Chill.  Fucking classic.


After she came back out, the story proceeded as usual and we got to it.  Being 4 am, I was pretty fucking tired and I didn’t know this girl, so I wasn’t keen on a drawn out foreplay session.  After five minutes of standard warming up, I had her pretty much naked except for her panties. I went down and took them off as we were about to get down to it.  Out of nowhere, she just screams “NO!”.  My eyes widened.  What?  “You can’t… you can’t do that… I just bought these.  You have to appreciate them!”  Wait what.  She then pulled her panties back on.  There was no joking or smiling in her tone.  She was pissed.  I thought… is this serious?


Okay, okay… This chick is weird, but I’ll play ball.  I proceeded for another 10-15 minutes of “appreciating them”, whatever the fuck that meant.  Then, it was go-time.  She read the article.  She knew what I was about.  I whipped out my dick, mounted her, and shoved it in her mouth (consensually of course).  I had her arms pinned down with my knees and proceeded to face fuck her.  She loved it.


Eventually I resumed a normal position and went in.  And gotdamnnn, this chick was tight as shit.  As she had given me the green light earlier, I fucked that girl with the utmost authority, tossing her around, shoving her face into the pillows, pulling her hair, the works.  After about a good amount of vaginal abuse, I had her legs in the air on the bed as I was standing up giving it to her, pulled out and blew a massive load all over her body.  10 points for the stomach, 25 for the hair, and 50 for the face (85 point total, satisfactory performance).


She laid there for a bit panting as I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette in my boxer briefs.. Poor choice as my dong nearly froze off.  Gotta be more careful.  When I stepped back inside, she was in the bathroom washing off.  I plopped myself down on the bed and noticed that the Entourage movie had just ended.  Fuckin’ A that’s great timing.


When she came back out, I noticed my dick was not yet satiated and proceeded to pull her head down to my shaft for some slobbery dome.  At this point I was ready to go again.  She then starts rubbing her clit and looking me in the eye while doing so.  Haha fuck… I literally laughed out loud and started chuckling.  I don’t know why but I thought it was funny as fuck.  Consequently, she got angry and punched me.  Probably out of embarrassment or something.  I’m sorry but Ive never had that happen before.  Then she goes, “why you laughing? how bout you fuck me harder?”  Yooo… it got real serious.  “C’mon, fuck me harder”.


Like any respectable man worth his salt, I answered the call of duty.  There was no cute foreplay this time.  Challenge me and get destroyed.  I could detail this, but for the sake of brevity lets just say by the end of round two she had to jump away and force me to stop because I’m pretty sure my dick was pounding away at her stomach.  Face fucked her again until I busted in the mouth.



I said something along the lines of her being really tight, and something about that set off a mental nuclear bomb, because she burst out into “Yeah, because I’m not a fucking slut!”  It sounded like she was on the verge of tears…  Chill girl.  “I had a boyfriend for three years, I’m not a slut!”


Ahh, It all makes sense now.


I let her talk for a moment before finally having enough of her yapping and shoved my dick in her face again.  I said, “I’m gonna fuck you again” and she goes, “No. Just no. I’m so sore. I won’t be able to walk tomorrow”.  I have never had my ego stroked so hard.  Dope.


Despite her refusal, we still ended up banging two more times after this.  After round four, I literally looked at my phone, noticed it was almost seven a.m., and called it a night.  Passed out.



When I rose in the morning, she was at her desk with coffee on her computer.   “Alright, so you ready to take me back to my friends?”  She said, “ohhh my tires are out of air I really shouldn’t be on the highway, I can’t take you”.  Are you fucking kidding me?



This chick promised she would take me back in the morning?  I was fucking livid.  Called my ass an Uber and waited outside.


Thirty-five mile Uber ride to get back to the city and meet up with my friends.


Between her attitude, the hilarity of it all, the nervousness, the roughly animalistic sex, and her hotness, I can safely say it was one of my favorite sexual encounters, one of my favorite hookups, and ultimately, one of the funniest nights ever.


It was all worth it.




  One thought on “Storytime Tuesday: Where Am I? The Strangest Hookup of My Life

  1. Giuseppe Constantini
    December 10, 2015 at 8:54 pm

    perfect post dude! So funny and enjoyable.

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