RAs are something else man. They’re a different breed. The fact that some people actually willingly want the job just baffles my mind. A free room for a year does not change the fact that you are literally living in the dorms as an upperclassmen when you could be in a sick apartment with your boys without the responsibility of looking after a bunch of 18 year olds like they’re in pre-school.
If you’ve lived in the dorms, then you have more than likely dealt with the fun police squadron that is the RA team. You know their ruthless efforts at vigilante justice keep them going in life and the thought of confiscating alcohol from a couple kids who just wanna have a good college experience gives them a boner. They’re the kind of kids who never got invited to the cool parties in high school and now make a serious effort to try and deter this in college, usually out of jealousy. If you’re going into the dorms this year, get ready to deal with it. They’re the Steven Glansburg of the college environment.
Obviously you want to have a sick time in school, and living in the dorms isn’t going to stop you for shit. However, the fact is that RAs have the power to “fine” you for “consuming illegal beverages” or some shit, and eventually even kick you out of the university if you get caught with it too many times. So, as much as it sucks, there’s some shit you’re going to have to do to get away with your antics during your younger years.
First and foremost, screen the shit out of your RA on the very first day you move in. It’s more than likely that they’ll be walking around all over the place on move in day and you’ll have plenty of opportunities to talk to them. The key is to get them 1 on 1. Don’t go interrogating them in front of your parents or some other randos on your floor because it’ll deter them from possibly incriminating themselves.
The best way to go about this is to just outright ask what their personal policy is on “having fun” on weekends on their floor. It can go a couple of ways but the two most popular are;
• They tell you to “read the rules” of the dorm and that they enforce them to the letter. At this point it’s a good time to physically examine your RA. Do they look like a bitch? 99/100 they do, because nobody with a fucking shred of social integrity says this. Unfortunately, it’s a job that attracts social rejects and aspies, so the chances of you getting a response similar to this are depressingly high.
• They give you the “as long as it isn’t too loud too late and nothing gets broken, I’m fine with it” response. This is what you want. Obviously you have the right to blare loud music on weekend nights during pregame, but it’s the fact that you’re drinking in your room that incriminates you. So as long as you’re not trying to squeeze 30 people in your room, turn the music down before the sun comes up, and aren’t spilling beer all over the hallways live I used to, you’re good.
If you’re super lucky, you’ll get an RA who legitimately does not give a solitary fuck about what goes on. As in you could be moving bricks through your room and hot boxing the whole floor every night and they wouldn’t care. This is rare, but its fucking beautiful.
Respect plays a big role in getting an RA on your side. A bitch RA can occasionally cut you some slack if you’re respectful and a cool RA can fuck you over if you aren’t. The key is to culminate respect and not go looking for it through ass kissing.
The key to pulling this off effectively is to demonstrate that you’re a responsible partier. Yes, you can still blare music, get shit housed and have people over and still be a responsible partier. The key is to avoid doing shit that negatively affects them in any way, including playing music until 7am or spraying beer all over the hallway. If you prove to your RA that you know how to have a good time while also being responsible, they will let you get away with a surprising amount of shit.
Remember they’re not your parent
The only thing these people can really do to you is stick a fine on you, which more often than not can be appealed. And on the off chance you’re rich and have a good lawyer, they could easily all be thrown out. But really, most freshman don’t have the time or patience to go to “drinking responsibility classes” or to pay fines. It’s horseshit.
Point is, don’t get intimidated by RAs. They think that when they’re swinging that master key lanyard around and while they walk around on weekend nights with their clipboard that they’re some kind of superhero out to snipe the pesky little kids with their alcohol that they dare drink whilst underage.
They can go chong a fat dick. If confronted by an RA that’s being a cocksucker, especially one that’s not the one on your floor, treat them like the losers they are.