When you’re living in the dorms you have to deal with the constant imposition of the fun police aka on duty RAs walking around looking for people’s good nights to ruin. It sucks, but it’s the damn truth.
I had my fair share of run ins with these losers when I was a freshman. They try to act all hard, thinking they’re about to bestow the wrath of God into your heart because you dared take a sip of vodka with your 18 year old mouth. They have inferiority complexes, it’s what they do.
Through my encounters, I figured out the best way to deal with these losers when they catch you pregaming in your room with friends. Since nowadays almost no college dorms allow alcohol, they tend to deploy hordes of losers to walk around sniping for it. If you do what I say in The Campus Hustler regarding pregames, then the chances of an encounter are high. Luckily, I have a system for getting out of tickets, and while it may cost you the price of the alcohol you have on hand, it’s definitely worth curving a three figure ticket, as well as teaching the loser a lesson about respect.
- They’ll say some shit like “we heard people having a good time and I hate my life so I’m gonna have to break it up blah blah blah I love sucking dick”. While they’re giving this monologue, keep talking over them and saying how they’re ruining everyone’s good time, why they don’t have anything better to do, how it’s a shame they didn’t get any fraternity bids, etc.
- They’ll eventually say “may we come in and search the room”. At this point, unfortunately, you’re gonna have to give up your alcohol. The good part is you’re not gonna have to pay the fine, because that’s for losers. Look back at the people in your room and make an insulting wisecrack about the RA. This breaks their confidence, especially if everyone is laughing at them. Like they should.
- Now do this. In plain view of the RAs at the door WHO YOU HAVE NOT GIVEN PERMISSION TO ENTER YOUR ROOM, you take all the alcohol out of wherever you were hiding it, as well as any cups or paraphernalia that has booze on it. Without saying a word, walk out of your room with it and bring it over to the garbage chute (mega bonus points if your dorm has one, as a lot of them do, since it makes garbage next to untraceable). Open the door and dump all the stuff down it. They will most likely follow you, telling you to stop. REMEMBER; THEY ARE NOT COPS. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING THEY SAY. Literally act as if they weren’t there.
- Walk back to your room and act as if nothing had just happened. They will probably be rambling about some shit like “they saw you with the alcohol” or “their supervisor will hear about this”. This is lip service. They have no evidence and couldn’t write a proper report in time.
- If they attempt to take pictures, IMMEDIATELY tell them that you don’t consent to being photographed and you will take it up with the proper authority. Campuses are all about that liberal shit these days and there is a VERY good chance this will intimidate them.
- Lastly, it is important to carry out ALL these actions with total and complete confidence. If they get on your case about calling the police, tell them they have no evidence. If they threaten to write you up to the supervisor, tell them your lawyer will rip them a new asshole if they try. Doesn’t matter if you don’t have a good lawyer, or even a lawyer at all. Point is, just by being a hyper imposing dickhead, it will deter these losers from writing you a hefty fine.
And that is how you get out of a dorm drinking ticket. It may cost you your booze haul for the night, but $20-30 beats the shit out of a $250 ticket.