The 4 Types of Campus Logistics

Logistics are a vital part of being a well connected baller on campus.  Being able to get anywhere on campus or in your local college town’s downtown area with little more than a text or short call is clutch and should be a factor at the forefront of your nightlife logistics priorities.

However, a lot of college towns lack the modern city conveniences of cabs running by every 10 seconds, or even just the availability of an Uber.  For someone with little to no connections in a non-city college town getting around at night can be difficult.

Lucky for me, once I turned 21 I already had a pretty good system lined up.  This is largely attributed to the experience and privileges that were afforded to me by joining a fraternity, as well as building my network early on in my college career.

1.  PARTY BUSES

Currently the most efficient, cheapest, and funnest method of getting from point A to B when you’re shit housed.

If you know a thing or two about grinding out some independent club/bar promoting then you know that getting a large group of people to follow you downtown is a sick way to score free drinks and mass amounts of girls.  A vital part of this is being able to physically shepherd these people downtown with a form of mass transportation.  And what’s more awesome for this than a motherfucking party bus.

I know what you’re thinking and no it’s not true.  Party buses are not giant tour-bus looking coach rigs with a full bar, bedroom and master bath.  They are for the most part giant hollowed out school buses that are given a new paint job and have their benches rearranged to be on the side.  However, they do still have stripper poles, which is pretty tight.

Buses will sometimes park in front of big apartment complexes without anyone even calling them.  However, it will usually take someone who’s hosting a large group of people at their place (I’m talking 40+) to call and get them out there.  These buses know how to spot business. 

It’s generally between $3-4 per person to get on (unless you call them and continuously supply the people, then your ass rides free forever).  Great, fun way to spend the 5-10 minutes it generally takes to get over to the bars.  Aside from the fact that they’re starting to outlaw drinking on the buses country wide now, they’re easily my favorite form of campus transportation. 

2.  PLEDGE DRIVERS

On the forefront of being in a fraternity is the continuously renewable source of indentured servitude afforded to you throughout your college career.  If you’re in a fraternity that hasn’t brought down the hammer of Thor on your pledging process yet, then thiS service is An Excellent, cheap option for getting where you need to go.

Generally the way it will work is through Facebook.  That’s right.  If you’re currently in a fraternity, you know what I mean.  If you’re considering joining one, then you will know what I mean soon.  Facebook, however, annoying and useless it may have become, is still an extremely useful tool for larger groups of people to have a completely private forum among one another.  This is clutch for an organization with dozens or even hundreds of members, like a fraternity.

Every weekend night, if your house has a good enough system for getting pledge drivers in order, someone will post the lineup of who is driving that night and their numbers.  If you want to make it even more convenient, screenshot that shit and have it readily available in your pictures folder for quick and clutch access.

And the best thing about pledge drivers? You don’t need to pay them shit.  They’re pledges.  Fuck them.  However if you alcohol brings out an inner conscience of you, or you’re just not a completely terrible person yet, you can feel free to throw them some cash and alleviate the chronic anxiety that is pledge driving all night.

3.  DD NETWORK

This is one of the more tricky aspects of campus logistic to get efficiently streamlined.  It’s also a lot more sketchy than any other option.

I have a bit written about how this works in MY BOOK that does a good job of explaining how to get a DD network to work in your favor.  Basically, random people from campus will tweet out the fact that they are offering their services for the night and a designated school DD page will re-tweet it.  Pretty simple concept.

However, the problem with DDs (especially if you’re not in a fraternity or don’t have a built external network) is that it can be a bit sketchy.  There are quite a few colleges that are currently taking action against the DD system, claiming that it’s illegal and could get people hurt.  While I love the convenience of just looking on twitter for a quick $2 ride if I don’t have any other options, I’m gonna have to side with the schools on this one.  I’ve heard some weird stories of people getting driven down an alley and robbed by someone who looked like a completely normal student trying to make some extra cash.  It’s a risk you run, but if you’re okay with the 99% odds that you’re gonna be just fine, go ahead and stockpile DD numbers before you go out at night.

4.  LOCAL CABBIES

Who doesn’t love a good drunken cab ride home in the dead of night?  Just when you thought all your options were exhausted, and that you were stranded downtown with no option but having to walk miles back home, that glorious yellow car pulls up and offers you the ride you so desperately need.

Cabs are a mixed bag.  On one hand, those fuckers drive around all night grinding for that college kid money, driving by and picking you up in the most clutch moments.  On the other hand, it’s not Uber.  They will hustle you for cash, be total and complete dicks, and whip their car around like Mario Andretti on the final lap, sloshing that toxic mixture in your stomach around and bringing you dangerously close to being the 6th person to vomit on the floor without it being cleaned up.  Cabs are both awesome and terrible at the same time.

My solution? Get a local cabbie, or two, on lock.

Find a cab to take you home one night and tip them well.  Ask them for their card (they’ll be ecstatic to give you one and will probably shove like ten into your hands.  Continue to call them at least once every weekend for 3-4 weeks.  If you can build good rapport with them and continue to throw them fat tips, you will never be without a ride home within five minutes of a phone call in that town again.  This is a useful skill that continues on well into post grad life.

  One thought on “The 4 Types of Campus Logistics

  1. Jake
    February 22, 2015 at 3:24 am

    Hans
    What’s the real deal man…
    If you missed the game boat in college and our now in your 30s- van you still get white coeds or is that unrealistic in the USSA?

    I think with chicks what they say means nothing and what they do means everything so do you see them with older dudes?

  2. February 22, 2015 at 3:25 am

    Ps-
    An e book guide on how to be Mr. Robinson or the May-December player for older dudes to get coeds NEEDS to be written.
    C ya nigga.

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