The Morning Routine: Bobby Doormat vs Jonny Alphadick

It’s morning on a college campus.  Bobby Doormat, a skinny, frail, computer science major wakes up after hitting the snooze button six times.  He immediately sends the girl of his affection a text saying, “good morning sunshine :) :)” and continues to lay in bed browsing twitter for half an hour, being sure to end all his politically edgy tweets with a “… #tcot”.  When he finally gets up he only has 20 minutes left before class, so fixes himself a bowl of cocoa puffs.  The food tastes good, is easy to prepare and gives him pleasure in the moment, why shouldn’t he eat it?  He continues to browse twitter, constantly refreshing his notification page waiting for someone to “like” his tweets and validate his opinion.

Once bobby polishes off the fourth bowl of cereal, having successfully eaten more sugar in one sitting than a bodybuilder does in 10 weeks, he realizes he has no time left to shower.  In a rush, he throws on his favorite shirt with the bad ass howling wolf print on it.  It’s the third day in a row he’s worn it and it smells a little funky, but it’s just way too cool not to be worn right now.  After donning his $10 ill fitting jeans and old, filthy running shoes, he realized he only has five minutes to make it to class.  He heads off to class in a stressful rush, feeling groggy and bloated.  He was going to try and start working out that day, but now he just doesn’t feel up to it.  He’s not sure what it is, but it couldn’t possibly be the cereal, it’s good for you!  It’s cool, he’ll just go tomorrow.


That same morning, Jonny McAlphadick wakes up at the first crack of his alarm.  He immediately gets out of bed and does his quick morning body weight calisthenics routine to get his blood flowing for the day.  He then sits on the floor in silence for five minutes, breathing deeply, meditating on the day before him and all the things he will accomplish.

He goes to the kitchen to feed his aching muscles from the intense back workout he did yesterday.  Since Jonny knows how to cook, he fixes himself a magnificent pan of scrambled eggs; complete with onions, mushrooms, red peppers, garlic and turkey sausage, with a slice of buttered whole grain toast on the side.  After preparing his meal complementary protein shake, he returns to his room to eat while responding to emails regarding a small business venture he has planned for the near future.

Jonny hears a phone vibrating on his bed and gets up to check it.  Upon inspection he realizes the phone isn’t his.  It belongs to the girl laying in his bed, whom he successfully plugged in all three holes last night.  Glancing back at the phone, he catches a glimpse of the text preview, From: Bob Chem 101; “good morning sunshine :) :)”.  Jonny also notices that it’s only 7:10, he has 50 minutes before he needs to be at class.  He gets back into his bed, runs his hand down his lady friend’s body, and five minutes later he is putting his morning wood to good use.

Jonny gets back up, packs a fat lip of Copenhagen wintergreen and takes a shower.  He trims his face, styles his hair and puts on his freshly washed jeans and v-neck T shirt.  He straps on his timberland boots and grabs his backpack, ready to go with a hearty 20 minutes before his class starts.  He walks his lady friend to the door, getting her number and telling her they’ll party again soon.  Jonny then strolls to class, free of stress and worry, and excited about tackling the day ahead of him.


Be like Jonny

  One thought on “The Morning Routine: Bobby Doormat vs Jonny Alphadick

  1. RobinK
    August 10, 2014 at 9:54 am

    don’t wash your jeans. theyll fade into dad jeans.

  2. Julian
    October 12, 2014 at 1:42 pm

    First year University student here, I love this little comparison Hans

    I find it hard though to have the energy to be “Jonny” every day, but its all with practice

    whenever i’m acting like a lil bitch or complaining i say, is this what ‘jonny’ would do?
    thanks for the story

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